Can't Get to Heaven

Lyrics:

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in an old Ford car
'Cause an old Ford car won't get that far

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a ping pong ball
'Cause a ping pong ball is much too small

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a limousine
'Cause the Lord ain't got no gasoline

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Sabre Jet
'Cause the Lord ain't got no runways yet

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Girl Scout's arms
'Cause the Lord don't fall for those feminine charms

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a rocking chair
'Cause the Lord don't want no lazybones there

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a wicker chair
'Cause the Lord don't want no baskets there

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a biscuit tin
'Cause a biscuit tin's got biscuits in

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in an apple tree
'Cause an apple tree's got roots you see

Oh, you can't get to Heaven on roller skates
You'd roll right by them Pearly Gates

You'll never get to heaven in your girlfriend's bra
'Cause your girlfriend's bra can't stretch that far

Oh, you can't get to Heaven on a Honda bike
'Cause you'll get halfway, then you'll have to hike

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in our row boat
'Cause our row boat won't even float.

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in dirty jeans
'Cause heaven's got no washing machines.

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Kleenex box
'Cause God don't like no dirty snots.

Oh, you can't get to Heaven on a pair of skis
You'll shuss right through St. Peter's knees.

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in our Leader's pants
'Cause his pants are full of ants

Oh, you can't get to Heaven on water skis
'Cause the angels don't like hairy knees

Oh, you can't get to Heaven with powder and paint
'Cause it makes you look like what you ain't

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a strapless gown
'Cause that gown thing might fall right down

Oh I want to go to heaven, and I want to do it right
So I'll go up to heaven all dressed in white

Oh one fine day, and it won't be long
You'll look for me, and I'll be gone

And if you get to heaven before I do
Just drill a hole and pull me through

But if I get to heaven before you do
I'll drill a hole and spit on you

Well if I get to heaven, before you do
I'll plug that hole, with shavings and glue

That's all there is, there is no more
St. Peter said, as he shut the door

Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell
If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to...bed

And that's the end, St. Peter said
As he closed the gates, And went to bed.

Video:



Source: youtube.com  / boyscouttrail.com

Camp Granada

Lyrics:

Hello muddah, hello faddah
Here I am at Camp Granada
Camp is very entertaining
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

I went hiking with Joe Spivy.
He developed poison ivy.
You remember Leonard Skinner
He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors hate the waiters
And the lake has alligators
And the head coach wants no sissies
So he reads to us from something called Ulysses.

Now I don't want this should scare ya
But my bunkmate has malaria.
You remember Jeffrey Hardy
They're about to organize a searching party.

Take me home, oh muddah, fadduh
Take me home, I hate Granada!
Don't leave me out in the forest

Where I might get eaten by a bear.

Take me home, I promise I will not make noise,
Or mes the house with other boys.
Oh, please don't make me stay,
I've been here one whole day.

Dearest fadduh, darling muddah,
How's my precious little bruddah?
Let me come home, if you miss me
I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.

Wait a minute, it's stopped hailing.
Guys are swimming, guys are sailing
Playing baseball, gee that's bettah
Muddah, faddah kindly disregard this letter!


Follow On version

Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh.
I am back at Camp Granada.
And I'm writing you this letter
Just to say my compound fracture's getting better.

No one here knows where my trunk is
And my bunk is where the skunk is.
And this year the food's improving
'Cause the little black things in it are not moving.

Our camp nurse is quite a swimmer.
She says swimming makes you slimmer.
Her name's Mrs. Balagreeni.
Have you ever seen a whale in a bikini?

All our bathrooms have such thin doors.
Gee, I wish they'd move them indoors.
We're all tired of Mother Goose here.
So next Friday night they're having Lenny Bruce here.

Let me stay, oh Muddah, Fadduh.
Let me stay, I love Granada.
Every night the camp fire's really keen.
Oh mom, please send some Ovaltine.

Let me stay, out here in mother nature's land
And tip-toe through the tulips grand.
To leave would be a shame.
Besides, I'd miss the poker game.

Please don't worry, Fadduh, Muddah.
I'll take care of little brudda.
He plays ball here and he rows here
And I hope they teach him how to blow his nose here.

He wakes up at half past six and
Goes directly to the quick sand.
He was lonely, now he's better.
He's like all of us except his bed is wetter. 

Video:



Source: youtube.com  / boyscouttrail.com